It appears we will be spending another Christmas as just US. We will go to our families' homes and deliver gifts to our nieces and toddler cousins and go home to put away all the gadgets we received for US. No opening toys for an exhausted little one; no bells and whistles sounding off as noise makers are pushed to their limits; no carrying a sleeping child to bed to dream of the wonderful day they've had. Just the peace and quiet that is US.

I did receive an e-mail from our case worker that she finally got my background check in and she is scheduled to come out on the 30th to tie up all the loose ends. I feel whole heartedly, once I turned it all over to God, He has shown me the light at the end of our journey.

I'm back to waiting and hoping and enjoying the US that is left before our new addition comes in to complete our family. We are holding on with both hands and our whole hearts for YOU little one!

NO MORE QUESTIONS

I got news from our case worker yesterday that "Frankfort" lost my information from a background check they did back in mid October. Josh got his results within a week or so and mine never showed up. Since that time, I have asked over and over and over if they had received them and kept getting the same response. "Nothing yet. Sometimes it takes longer on one." All this time, waiting on only this piece of information to complete our preparation to move to the next step, which is placement.

Pretty much confirmed my suspicion that this isn't what we need to be doing. I've had some doubts from the beginning, and those doubts resurfaced yesterday. I called Josh in tears again. Told him I was coming home to take that stupid lock off my pantry, move all my medicine back up in my cabinet and giving away the lock boxes we have sitting on our counter where our medicine is temporarily being kept. He tried to calm me down, but this time, the tears weren't tears of sadness. They were more like tears of relief. I wasn't really too upset about the way things happened. I am totally ready to lay it all down to let God do with it what he wants done. This is what I should have done to begin with, and outwardly thought I was. Deep inside, I knew I was trying to take things into my own hands and speed things along.

I forgot His time is the Right Time and I need not rush Him. He knows what's right for me. I am having issues with watching other people laugh and enjoy becoming pregnant and expecting a child, but my time will come. If not, then so be it. There is a reason and I'm not questioning it anymore!

LETTING GO.....

So I haven't posted in a while. A few things have happened in our journey. We received another referral. This time for a "Low functioning 13 year-old". Kind of upsetting that we would receive that offer since we turned down a "normally functioning" 12 year-old. Leads me to think maybe God wants us to take an older child. But then again, I knew those feelings would come if she even mentioned those type situations.

I e-mailed Thursday to find out if our case worker had received my files back from our FBI background check. Still nothing. Good thing I'm persistent. She FINALLY checked on it and discovered that "the people in Frankfort 'misplaced' it". Another set back. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this at all. Distraught, I plundered around at work, in tears, trying to open up my blog, to post my immediate feelings and relieve some of the pain. For some reason, I kept typing in the wrong password or username. Ahhh, the beauty of technology.

I dried up a little and called Josh. Sensing the pain in my voice, he replied, "Don't get down about this. We ARE NOT giving up." Again, making all things feel right again. I got to open my eyes wide and see how truly blessed I am. I may not have a child in my life, but oh how wonderful the things I do have. My home, my husband, my family, HIS family, my church, my friends, my health, food on my table, clothes on my back...........

I can't help but remember a dream I had a few years back. My Granny in Heaven, in a white rocking chair, holding a beautiful little baby with curly brown hair. She looked at me and said, just as clear as she would have in life, "Crystal, don't worry. I'm taking care of your baby for now." Just maybe, she's having trouble letting go!

This experience has been soul draining to say the least. It has also given me the opportunity to do some soul SEARCHING I wouldn't have done otherwise.

I WAIT

So here I am....waiting. I want so badly to get that e-mail, that phone call, that letter.....telling me they have my child. I get nothing. The past couple of days have been torture for me. I sit and think about going through another Thanksgiving...another Christmas....with this huge hole in my heart. All the while I listen to my sister talk about her baby's heart beat. I go with my mom and her ANYWHERE and we have to go through the baby section.....

I think how unfair it is that me and my husband are unable to have children when we are financially stable, sound minded people and others are given children who come into a world where they will never get the nourishment they need or the things they want, or worse, battle a drug addiction when they come into this world. I know you aren't supposed to question God or His will and I try soooo hard not to. My husband, who got baptized WITH me, and never goes to church with me, has more faith in our Creator than I. I never miss a Sunday meeting, I'm involved with my church Praise Team and do everything I can to build my relationship with Him; yet I'm stuck in this depression of feeling forgotten; wondering if I am not supposed to raise a child in this crazy world, why am I here?

And still.....I wait!!!

OUR FIRST REFERRAL

So today, I heard from our case worker for the first time since we completed our paper work. I realize she told us it might take a while, but I was getting a little anxious. There is still no sign of my paperwork from my FBI file, so that is holding us up. I saw my e-mail icon pop up for one of the "endless" times it comes up daily. I always helplessly click on it, hoping each time it's a message from her. Today, IT WAS.

"I have a new referral. It's for a 12 year old boy. Would you be interested?"

My mind started racing. Reality is beginning to set in. This is really REAL. Since my little sister found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, I've endured hearing my mom gushing over her and how she can't wait until the baby arrives. I've watched her picking out baby clothes and talking about how hard it would be for her to make it with buying milk and diapers. I've watched her eyes light up with the thought of having a new grandchild. I've felt so hopeless with thoughts that I might never be able to give her that same joy.

But we will be able to take a child who needs us and give it the best that we have to offer and love and cherish it with our WHOLE hearts. The child may not be my blood, but he or she will carry my heart. Shoot, it's already theirs. I'm just waiting for God to bring home our miracle.

We decided not to take the 12 year old boy. I would love nothing more than to give that child a loving and happy home. We just aren't ready for a teenager. I will pray for him to find a loving family and I know my God will take care of him. Josh and I are looking for a child we can start out with and raise with no distractions from memories of a broken home and crushed dreams. Our child will only remember the best things in life, as that is what we plan to deliver, with all our power and might.

OKAY...Cut to NOW!!!

So ALOT of things have happened since we got married that will always stay in our hearts and minds. We bought a Camry, a Jeep, two pickups, a 69 Camaro, two boats, a motorcycle, a four wheeler, a dump truck, a Mitsubishi Endeavor (and a Partridge in a Pear Tree) LOL. Traded the Camry and Jeep, sold the Camaro, motorcycle, boats and four wheeler. Our big investment was our home.

We finally moved out of our little trailer on which we worked so diligently. During the four years we lived there, we built on an extra room, put in a heat pump and put in a new stove. His grandmother now rents the trailer and repaid us by paying off one of Josh's vehicles.

At this time, we are adopting a child. Seven years of marriage and thousands of dollars of infertility treatment have not yeilded a child for us. All of the prayers that have been lifted were not in vain, because we know God has a plan, and, even though it may not be OUR plan, He knows what he doing. We felt like it was His will not to bring a child into this crazy world. Instead, take a child that has already been born and is in need of a loving home, and provide him/her with all the love we have been storing up!!

So here we are. We just completed our last CLASS with our Case Worker and are waiting on my FBI profile to come back. Then she is coming to our house to go over our home study and we'll be set. We are anxious, nervous, excited, scared.......All at the same time. Plus my little sister just found out she is pregnant, so we have that to look forward to. We have been told that it could be a week or a month, but they are hoping to have us set with a child by December.

We are crossing our fingers that we can give a deserving child a Christmas he/she could only dream of!!!

God is Good!

This Ring I Give to You....

October 20, 2001: The day finally arrived. I was so nervous. All of my girls were going to show up around 2:00 p.m. We finally got all the dresses sized and the tuxes were in and everything was going well.....until me and my little sis went to get our hair "did" at a local salon. I HATED my hair. Come on!!! This was my wedding day!! My hair was supposed to be perfect..and it looked HORRID! I went home and scrambled to remove all of the bobby pins from the "up do" (and I use the term loosely). I grabbed a curling iron and just as I was about to scream, my best friend showed up to save the day! Ang fixed my hair and it looked fabulous. Not as great as I wanted it to look for my day, but MUCH better than what I PAID for.

We scheduled the wedding at 3:00 p.m. I know now that I was supposed to get married at half past some hour because of superstition. It all worked out though. The guests started arriving and I was standing in the annex watching everyone, dying for a smoke (I know it's yucky, but I did it back then), but not able to have one because my family knew not of my habit :). The time drew closer and closer and suddenly April, May, June, July....they all seemed so close where they were once so far away. Memories of the last few months shot through my mind like rockets. It was all going so quickly now. It seemed like only yesterday we sat on the floor in an empty trailer, admiring our hard work and enjoying every minute we spent together. Just yesterday, he dropped to one knee and asked for my hand in marriage, all the while I was stunned that I thought he had fallen into the lake. Only yesterday, the world stopped turning when terrorists destroyed our way of life and killed so many innocent people and brought me to my knees with fear of no tomorrow.

And there I was, looking into the eyes of my "Mr. Right", as he waited for my daddy to turn me over to him. I knew it was all he could do to let me go, but he knew he had to do it. When asked who gave me to be married, with tear filled eyes, my daddy almost whispering, said, "Me and her mother" and slowly walked back to join her. The preacher, whom I had adored my entire life, began his prayers and vows and they, too, seemed like only seconds. "This ring I give to you, in token and pledge, of our constant faith, and abiding love".

In what seemed to be seconds, it was over and all the planning and preparation was complete. We were now, Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Vaughn Prater.

In a whirlwind, we were off to start our life together, with the hand of God on our shoulders, guiding us through the thick forest. We were now ONE!