It appears we will be spending another Christmas as just US. We will go to our families' homes and deliver gifts to our nieces and toddler cousins and go home to put away all the gadgets we received for US. No opening toys for an exhausted little one; no bells and whistles sounding off as noise makers are pushed to their limits; no carrying a sleeping child to bed to dream of the wonderful day they've had. Just the peace and quiet that is US.

I did receive an e-mail from our case worker that she finally got my background check in and she is scheduled to come out on the 30th to tie up all the loose ends. I feel whole heartedly, once I turned it all over to God, He has shown me the light at the end of our journey.

I'm back to waiting and hoping and enjoying the US that is left before our new addition comes in to complete our family. We are holding on with both hands and our whole hearts for YOU little one!

NO MORE QUESTIONS

I got news from our case worker yesterday that "Frankfort" lost my information from a background check they did back in mid October. Josh got his results within a week or so and mine never showed up. Since that time, I have asked over and over and over if they had received them and kept getting the same response. "Nothing yet. Sometimes it takes longer on one." All this time, waiting on only this piece of information to complete our preparation to move to the next step, which is placement.

Pretty much confirmed my suspicion that this isn't what we need to be doing. I've had some doubts from the beginning, and those doubts resurfaced yesterday. I called Josh in tears again. Told him I was coming home to take that stupid lock off my pantry, move all my medicine back up in my cabinet and giving away the lock boxes we have sitting on our counter where our medicine is temporarily being kept. He tried to calm me down, but this time, the tears weren't tears of sadness. They were more like tears of relief. I wasn't really too upset about the way things happened. I am totally ready to lay it all down to let God do with it what he wants done. This is what I should have done to begin with, and outwardly thought I was. Deep inside, I knew I was trying to take things into my own hands and speed things along.

I forgot His time is the Right Time and I need not rush Him. He knows what's right for me. I am having issues with watching other people laugh and enjoy becoming pregnant and expecting a child, but my time will come. If not, then so be it. There is a reason and I'm not questioning it anymore!

LETTING GO.....

So I haven't posted in a while. A few things have happened in our journey. We received another referral. This time for a "Low functioning 13 year-old". Kind of upsetting that we would receive that offer since we turned down a "normally functioning" 12 year-old. Leads me to think maybe God wants us to take an older child. But then again, I knew those feelings would come if she even mentioned those type situations.

I e-mailed Thursday to find out if our case worker had received my files back from our FBI background check. Still nothing. Good thing I'm persistent. She FINALLY checked on it and discovered that "the people in Frankfort 'misplaced' it". Another set back. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this at all. Distraught, I plundered around at work, in tears, trying to open up my blog, to post my immediate feelings and relieve some of the pain. For some reason, I kept typing in the wrong password or username. Ahhh, the beauty of technology.

I dried up a little and called Josh. Sensing the pain in my voice, he replied, "Don't get down about this. We ARE NOT giving up." Again, making all things feel right again. I got to open my eyes wide and see how truly blessed I am. I may not have a child in my life, but oh how wonderful the things I do have. My home, my husband, my family, HIS family, my church, my friends, my health, food on my table, clothes on my back...........

I can't help but remember a dream I had a few years back. My Granny in Heaven, in a white rocking chair, holding a beautiful little baby with curly brown hair. She looked at me and said, just as clear as she would have in life, "Crystal, don't worry. I'm taking care of your baby for now." Just maybe, she's having trouble letting go!

This experience has been soul draining to say the least. It has also given me the opportunity to do some soul SEARCHING I wouldn't have done otherwise.